Letters to Katastrophiena # 8

Around 2 PM yesterday I stopped at a motel about 100 miles outside of Las Vegas and stopped to rest. It's 3 AM right now. I thought about heading home early but there's no key drop off so I guess I'll finish out my stay. I missed 2 days of work, this isn't the end of the world, but it's definitely sub-optimal. I wanted to see the Utah Natural History Museum, but I couldn't figure out how to get tickets from their website, and 3rd party websites didn't offer them either. Plus, it wasn't open at 6 AM or whatever, so I headed back home because I was really in a shitty mood. I did consider continuing on to Boise, Idaho, thinking that I might still be able to go in to work, well, I didn't make it. I might try this again, but who knows.

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Maybe I'll just say it the way it is. I'm feeling unbelievably depressed. Like real bad. An unshakable melancholy that won't go the fuck away. I'm really glad I did this because as soon as I get back to Las Vegas I'm setting up a doctor's appointment. There's no reason for me to feel this unhappy. None. 

But right now, I don't really know what to do. I really want to take. Nap but check in isn't until 230. I could be back in Vegas by that time.

I'm so unhappy. It comes out of nowhere. I don't know what the fuck causes it. 

It has to be some kind of chemical imbalance. If I have no reason to feel sad, and feel sad out of nowhere, then there's really no other fucking explanation.

Anyway. Salt Lake City is kind of nice, between Provo and Salt Lake City there's a town that really felt like Overland Park, Kansas.

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I am. In. Salt Lake City. Hehehe. Stupid. I don't know where to go. From here.

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My phone is almost completely cracked, and, I'm probably going to need a new phone soon. Another issue is that I was written up at work for productivity, and this is kind of a headache. In the worst case scenario I'm out of a job in 2 - 3 weeks, so I have to prepare a contingency for that, and, you know, this is a little bit of a nightmare. I do what I can to stay employed, but, sometimes it seems the harder I try, the harder I have to try, and it feels like this is one of those time where Destiny & Fate are clearly trying to push me in a new direction, but not as hard as they sometimes do. When I left Las Vegas 5 years ago, and when I left Missouri 3 years ago, and when I left Texas 1 year ago, like each time it was just. It just really seemed that there was no way to triumph over whatever challenges I had been facing.

When I think about heading to Salt Lake City I'm in two minds about the idea. If I'm a few weeks away from being unemployed, then maybe doing a road trip isn't the best idea, and on the other hand, maybe I should go on a road trip because if I don't do it now, I might not get a chance to do a road trip for a while. Like, if I get canned, it will be maybe another year before I'm in a position to really do anything.

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