The Indefinite Hiatus

maybe
you are frozen in
time the way i am
and the way i've been
for a while now
a kind of statis

stuck here and stuck
in this moment in time
and on pause 
but
i don't know why

i didn't ask for this
it was just sort of done to me.

...
















...




















...

One of the companies that I looked at for internships has internships that I'm interested in, but it also has open positions that I'm interested in and that I think I'd be a good fit for. Several years ago I was considered a strong candidate for and received an offer for a position at a similar company when I was in Missouri, but I didn't take it, and the decision for not taking it is kind of complex.

This was in January 2020, before the Pandemic, and my situation at the time was that I was working at the tractor warehouse and the hotel, I was saving and investing very aggressively and paying down my debts to improve my credit score. I had a few ideas for 2020 at the time, but, I really didn't have any definite plans. 

I was thinking that I could continue working two jobs, both of which were full time, and  80 + hours a week most of the time. I figured that I could continue saving and investing and improving my credit score until some kind of opportunity popped up, and I saw three possible opportunities. 

One possible opportunity was that I might somehow end up in a relationship with someone, I didn't have anyone definite in mind, but I thought that I might meet someone new and things would just happen right away, or maybe an existing friendship might become romantic, or an ongoing hook-up might become serious.

The second possible opportunity that I thought about was, was that I might pursue some kind of business opportunity if the right one popped up, either doing something that was interested in doing regardless of whether it was profitable or not, or pursuing a business opportunity that I was absolutely sure was profitable.

The third possible opportunity that I thought about pursuing was going back to college at UMKC, I had already been accepted for the fall semester of 2019 but I withdrew before the semester started, and I figured that I might come back around to this idea if the circumstances seemed right.








































...


In my mind, capitalizing on any one of these three possible opportunities would have been easiest if I had money, and the ability to borrow money, and that's why I wanted to continue focusing on saving, investing, and working on my credit score.

Taking a new job, even if it was one that I was interested in, would have taking me in a different direction. In retrospect, I ended up in a totally different direction anyway. I ended up in Texas, but in January of 2020 I was thinking that if I continued to work at the tractor factory and the hotel, at some point during 2020 I would be able to pursue one of the three opportunities that I thought about pursuing, it was just a matter of one of the three possible opportunities presenting itself, and then, I'd pounce.

Anyway. I was at the Library in Lewisville. I went to Lewisville for lunch, and it was a really long drive getting there, not in milage, but time, so I figured that I would go to the nearest library, which was in Lewisville, rather than heading all the way back to Arlington to get some work done at home, or at the campus library, or the city library. I didn't get anything done. Well, I didn't get anything concrete done. I did manage to reflect about the last time I applied for a similar position, and why I thought that taking the position wasn't right at the time, but I still have to think about if pursuing such a position is right at this point in time, and I think that it is. The reason is that I'm looking for an internship, and if I can find a Spring 2023 internship, that would be really great, however, pursuing an Summer 2023 internship, and landing a position in the meantime is preferable.

I did miss two career related opportunities at school, there was a work-study workshop a few days ago, and a career fair that happened today. I tried to find the campus career center the other day, but I ran into an issue: sometimes maps and directory of the campus list either the names, or the purpose of the building, there might be Preston Hall or Ransom Hall, and there might be the Science Building, or the Engineering Building, and so on. Well, I remember walking across campus and I came across a building, once, that just said Career Center or UTA Career Center, or something, but on the map, and on the directory, there is no such building, the directory listed a career center, but when I went to the location listed on the directory, it took me to the Student Administration Building, which I'm guessing had a career center or something, or maybe they administered the work-study program. One possibility is that, and this is probably the situation, I think that the Financial Aid Office is in the Student Administration Building, and I think that work-study is related to Financial Aid, and I remember that the FAFSA application asks if applicants to specify if they are interested in work-study grants, and that work-study grants are limited, and needs-based, or allocated on the basis or need or something.

Well, anyway. If there is such a thing as an academic year, then today is the start of the academic weekend. I feel guilty for not doing anything objectively productive today, but, it's important that I reflect on things that have happened in the past in order to formulate an approach to things that are happening in the present. I'm going to make a firm commitment to apply for an open position at the company, and mention that my intention is to participate in an internship with the company later on in the future, and also work on some of my course work.

...

I have to keep looking for some kind of work-study program, an internship, or a co-op program. The internship that I was for fall, but, since it was a 6 month program stretching from July to December, I'm guessing that candidates have already been selected, so I'm not going to complete the application there. Then, after my first class today I came across another internship that I would be interested in for the Summer of 2023, however, that's ten months to a year out into the future, and I think that I might change my mind at that point.

I dropped one class to bring me back down to six units per semester, the only reason I was trying to take nine units was to apply for the transportation fellowship, but, that prospect is kind of moot right now.

...

I was thinking about buying a new outfit or something, but I have a million outfits. I really don't need to buy any more outfits. In fact I really think that I shouldn't be buying much of anything until I find work. I'm still somewhat conflicted about the work search.

Well, I just came to a conclusion. I shouldn't be looking for specific positions. I mean. I didn't have a specific position in mind anyway. What I mean is. I shouldn't be browsing open positions. I should be looking for, and looking at internships and co-op positions. I'm applying for one right now.

This looks like it's going to be a long process. Applying for the internship / co-op, and doing it in a way that makes me an appealing candidate. 

...

So what happened today? well. there was a kind of monsoon kind of rain storm in the Dallas - Fort Worth area, and my area was kind of hard hit. In fact. There is another section of the apartment complex that was ordered to evacuate after having flooded.

The weather kind of effected me in a way that I wasn't really expecting. I wasn't going to buy a parking permit because I consider the distance from my residence to the campus to be perfectly walkable. but. it's really not walkable in the rain. I wore this wool jacket that I bought at an army surplus store and it started to smell like a goat once it got wet.

I need to apply for 1 position before the day, well, night ends, but I'll come around to that.

anyway. i bought a parking permit and looked for a place to park, the parking lot I thought would have space, did not have space, so I parked in this other parking lot, and walked around campus and stuff. got a student ID and checked out the campus library. the campus library is open 24 hours a day, and I really want to see how that works. I was exploring and stuff, and, then I checked the time, and it turned out to be about 30 minutes before class started. The business building is close to the street, so even though it's a smoke-free campus, it's not a far walk to get off-campus. more or less.

anyway. I think i finished all the stuff. all the major challenges of fixing stuff around my apartment. and. I'm excited because one section of the wall in my closet looks almost like it could be a painting in its own right. like it could be a painting of it's own. almost. i really like it. but here is the thing.

I want to take a picture of it, but. I almost feel like people might get the wrong idea of it. like. as though i'm clueless about craftsmanship or something. and what i mean is.

i think that the work that i've performed on my wall should be judged according to the standards of artistry, rather than the standards of craftsmanship.

anyway. i think i'll apply for a position. and then take a look at the stuff for school. 

I don't know if any more storms are expected for the coming days.

oh and about the job search. i remember. for a while i was getting flooded with emails and text messages for positions with this or that company, this was back before the june road trip. and. for some reason i really didn't respond to anything. but there was a position that i accepted, but didn't complete the on-boarding process with. i thought the position was. well. i don't know what i thought but i didn't take the position, because i was skeptical about the whole thing. but when i took the first road trip and passed through Nashville, it occurred to me that i shouldn't have been as skeptical as i was.

anyway.

...

Notes from Arlington, Texas # 69

* * *

I'm going to take a nap, and see where that goes. There was an email from college that was dated 06/20, and it's fucking 07/12. I responded to the email and took care of the things they told me to, but, I don't think that I have to worry too much since the fall semester doesn't start for another 5 weeks I think.

one thing that I didn't know, until going on this road trip, was that chip cards can actually be held by the card chip reader.

* * *

"The Young Woman who is the Post Office"

The rural carrier associate is a 
young woman with a lisp that lingers
long enough to wreck your week, and
fiery jade eyes that burn in your
mind every subsequent week.

I try to buy stamps, twenty is too much for
one stamp, and she can't break bills, and
I can't have them all, I ask to trade stamps,
one for one, she's not sure that's okay,
so she phones a friend. she asks
if I have exact change and I say:
yes! I do.

...

i think that the above post was from after my first roadtrip. it had to have been. the post is dated for early july, and the road trip was during june, and then i was in the hospital for about half of july. and that's one thing i have to look into. the hospital bills. shit.

...

first day of class. it was kind of an ordeal because it was raining.

...

I'm hungry. i had catfish. for lunch. and flounder.

...

I put my class schedule on my calendar. I updated my LinkedIn.

I did some organizing.

I did some additional work on my closet. paint and glue take longer to dry than i originally imagined.

um. i didn't mention this here, but i painted my patio after having painted a painting on my patio. i made a painting out of my patio, and then followed it up with painting the patio in a kind of concrete colored gray. and now it more or less looks like a patio that never had anything special done to it. there is one issue: even though I used interior / exterior paint. it seems to bubble up from time to time. so i usually just pop the paint bubbles like concrete, and then leave it at that. i'm sure that at some point i'll paint over them, and if they bubble up again, then i'll just pop them again.

i have to apply for a position before i head to sleep.

it's hot, but it's also windy. so leaving the window open has it's limitations.

well. now it's raining. i applied for a position, and this position has nothing to do with finance, or even with business.

...

I want to rethink this:

School Starts tomorrow.

I have to look for work.

I have to repair a few things with my apartment.

and I have to organize my personal things.

school starting. and looking for work play into each other in the sense that i need to look for work that is relevant to my studies, that works from a scheduling and commute standpoint.

but there is also the competing issue of just needing to find something that pays the bills.

and it's possible that there might be something that isn't relevant to my studies. but is something that i'm interested in. and it pays the bills. something like this would be working at art & crafts supplies store. another thing would be. there was this furniture store that I came across when I was in Illinois that I found interesting. I don't know how to describe it because it wasn't exactly a furniture store, and it wasn't exactly a home improvement store. it did sell furniture, and it did have displays of different types of engineered hardwoods, tiles, and synthetic woods, and carpets.

and then. as far as looking for work goes. there is this landscaping thing that i think is interesting. when I was in the looney bin there was a guy there who said he has a landscaping business. and. the only reason i'm thinking about this is because there was a person on twitter who posted photographs of her front yard, and how she transformed it from a front yard lawn, into a front yard forest. in fact i'm still looking for that photograph.

i got sidetracked goofing off on twitter. and all i was really doing was looking for that photograph of that one lady two transformed her front yard from a front yard lawn. into a front yard forest preserve.

...

i have to get my thoughts together. but i have to take a nap first.

school starts tomorrow.

i have to look for work.

i have work on things around my apartment.

i have to get organized.

the school issue bleeds into the work issue. in the sense that i have to find work with a work schedule that works with my school schedule, and maybe even works commute wise. or i guess i mean. something close to home and school.

...

alright. well i applied for 1 position. and i did work on something around my apartment. i worked on the wall in my closet. i'm dealing with one issue. that. is kind of a silly issue. but kind of a serious issue. but not a totally serious issue. it's the issue of having too much fucking paint. i bought one gallon of  gray paint, that i really didn't need, and one gallon of black paint, an amount that i definitely didn't need. anyway. i'm kind of using the black paint as kind of. well. i don't know. i mean. i don't know how to explain how i'm using it. my intention isn't to paint the wall black.

...

i found a position that i want to apply for.

so I applied. now the other thing.

what can i do around my apartment?

I had a flower pot, and i tried to plant a bouquet of flowers that i bought a few days ago, but it didn't work. um. the other day i also saw a plant that i wanted to buy, but i didn't buy it. so. that was that.

i have to make a point of submitting one application a day,

...

i went out to buy a pipe tobacco, and, for some reason, I selected a tobacco shop in Hurst as the place that I would take directions to. I ended up buying a pipe, some cigarettes, and a brass ring featuring a kind of figurine of Ganesha. and then. while driving back. i stopped at a kind of tex-mex style restaurant and ate there, i felt like i didn't eat as much as i would normally eat, given how much i enjoy eating, but i ate enough to be full.

okay. today. i want to get a few things done: (1) submit at least 1 application or resume (2) do some kind of work on my apartment after submitting an application.

one of my neighbors gave me a few packets of ramen that she said she didn't want to eat because she didn't like the flavor, but i think that i threw away my cooking pot a while back.

...

Notes from Arlington, Texas # 70

the first thing i need to do is get some sleep. the second thing i need to do is find work. one of the things that hangs me up when it comes to filing a disability claim is that. i feel. at least in my mind. that i'm capable of working without accommodations.

i think what i'll do is file the disability claim with the answer that i am capable of working.

so first thing. sleep. second thing. file my disability claim.

i've gotten really fat. i've always been husky. but i feel like there was a time when i was getting lean. when i'm thin. it seems to worry people. i mean. i'm not thin.

good lord. nose hairs. i shaved all that fucking hair off, and my nose hairs were like a goatee practically. 

i was at the free play arcade here in arlington, and i think that i almost saw someone from vegas. but. i think it was actually vladamir putin. i mean. like vehicle wise.

...

i found one solution to the nose hairs issue, cutting them back can be a headache, and i think, at one point in the past, i used to pluck them out using a tweezer, but there is this small set of scissors that i have with rounded tips that comes with most sewing set, so i'm guessing that it's a sewing scissors, well, i use that thing to cut my nose hairs.

the thing about nose hairs, and the particular challenge that i face regarding nose hairs, is that my nose is short. and i think that most hairs, including nose hairs, have a maximum growth length beyond which they no longer grow. and i think that the maximum growth length of nose hairs exceeds the length of my nose. my really short nose.

what else? who is the someone from vegas? the girl from rainbow boulevard. for some reason, that post seems like it was such a long time ago. and i think i wrote it shortly after the end of my road trip, and subsequent stay in the hospital. so maybe just 1 + 2/3 of a month ago.

...

there are two competing issues when it comes to looking for work. on the one hand. i should be looking for something relevant to my degree. or at least. something that i'm interested in. and could potentially get given that i'm a student. and. that being a student should stand in for a lack of relevant experience.

on the other hand. i might be just fine looking for something that just sort of. you know. covers my expenses with. you know. something left over.

...

I applied for 1 position. I don't think that I included a cover letter. I was thinking about including a cover letter. in fact. including a cover letter was something that i really wanted to do, but for some reason. it slipped my mind.

...

I threw away this shirt that I've had for a while. It was just a regular blue shirt, there was nothing special about it, and I remember buying like, two fucking years ago, and I finally threw it away. I remember buying it, and, shortly afterward a thread came loose, so I tried to fix it using super glue, but it left this kind of glue crust that constantly scratched my skin, and I just sort of lived with it. I have a bunch of other fucking shirts so I don't know why I held on to it for so long, and, just didn't throw it away.

Sometimes I try to donate old clothes that I don't use anymore, but I can never find donation bins, and some donation stations aren't open in the middle of the night. so, i end up just throwing old clothes out, or leaving them near the garbage can for anyone who might want them. I don't know where those ultimately end up, and they might just end up in the trash can anyway.

I need to get a few things from the store. mainly just sodas. i can probably run to the gas station later, in the middle of the night since the gas station is always open, but i'm not doing anything right now and i really don't know what else to do.

i few days ago i thought about going on another. a fucking third. cross-country road trip. but i only made it as far as. somewhere in Dallas. I guess. i was taking the side streets in as much of a north-east direction as the signs could direct me, but it was rush hour, and i hardly got anywhere before i got really frustrated with the traffic and just headed home. i stopped at a convenience store, but, they didn't have any cigarettes, so, i was in a bad mood. i bought a jug of mango juice, and drank it.

I also thought about. i don't know. changing the appearance of my blog.

I changed it.

What other crap? am I thinking about?  

...

I change my clothes several times a day, but no matter what I change into, I always feel sticky.

...

I had to make a payment to UTA for the additional class that I enrolled in. I made a partial payment. I'll pay the rest tomorrow.

...

i ordered a three topping pizza the other day, even though this particular pizza place didn't really have a "make your own pizza" option. i think i had spinach, onions, and artichokes, but these were actually pasta options. i tried adding shrimp, but the lady at the counter said that they didn't offer shrimp on their pizzas, so i didn't have shrimp pizza.

...

for food. i went to the grocery store, and bought a half-gallon of ice-cream. and i ate it all.

so this fellowship opportunity is something of a no-go for right now. maybe next semester. even though there would have been aspects of my application that would have been lacking, like my academic record, i don't really have one, considering that i'm going into my first semester, there is another issue. i really don't have anyone who can provide me with a letter of recommendation on short notice.

Obtaining letters of recommendation can be kind of an issue for me. i don't really know anyone. i don't really make very many friends. i don't really network.

...

i really don't know if i'm hungry or not. i mean i am hungry, but i don't know if i'm hungry enough to go out and get food right now. and if i do go out to get something to eat, what would i go out and eat? i just don't know. there are so many unanswered questions. hehe.

...

i think that my patio and balcony, the railing or whatever, are in nice enough condition that i can stop working on it. there is other stuff that i could work on around my apartment. but i have a hell of a lot of left over paint.

and i have all these fucking tools. i have a hell of a lot of hammers that i really don't anticipate ever. using.

...

I have too much fucking. stuff. clutter. i started throwing away some stuff. but. nothing that i really planned on keeping anyway. i didn't throw away anything that i thought was potentially useful. in fact. i threw away a neck tie that i've had for a long time. and i haven't had a reason to wear a tie in a long fucking time.

...

I'm going to make a change to this post. I was originally putting the newest additions to this post at the bottom of the post, but, just to make it easier to anyone who reads these posts, I'm going to put the newest additions to the post at the top of the post.

...
--- (08-17-2022) 09:48 PM
...

...

I have this idea. and. it's more or less similar to every other idea i've ever had. so. I guess this isn't really a new idea or anything. it's just a variation on an existing idea. i'm just going to write one long ass poem. called. painting the patio. and that's it. i'm going to work some of my other writings into this poem. somehow.

...

what are some things that i'm dealing with right now? school starts. classes start on the 22nd of august. i haven't worked in about 2 months. i've been obliterating my investment and retirement accounts. i have stuff i have to catch up on. i have to clear out my car. i have to get my car fixed. routine maintenance and stuff. i can't believe how many miles i've driven these last few months. i have traffic tickets and highway tolls that i need to pay. i have social security stuff and this other stuff i have to deal with. i have to. well. i should be looking for work.

...

I never received payment for the unpaid wages claim that i filed with the Texas Workforce Commission. I'm really glad I stopped working for that janitorial company after 2 days. it would have been just a larger amount of unpaid wages.

one of the issues with the unpaid wages claim that I submitted to the Texas Workforce Commission is that the investigator assigned to my claim kept calling me and asking for information that i already listed in the initial claim that i filed.

my guess is that he was hoping that i wouldn't come around to responding, and then would disposition the claim as: claimant unresponsive, or something. and then end the issue that way.

anyway. i think that i filed a claim for around 110 dollars or something. so it's not a big deal.

...

"Painting the Patio"

...

there was an issue with one of the copyright claims that i filed a while back. the claim was kicked back as filed incorrectly, or, that the claim couldn't be processed as submitted, and would have to be resubmitted. and that's just another thing that i'm not totally going to deal with right now.

i think that this particular copyright claim. and the unpaid wages claim. are both things that i could pursue until i receive a satisfactory resolution. right now. i'm just not going to deal with these things.

...

"Painting the Patio"

...

Notes from Arlington, Texas #73

These last few months have been extremely strange. I think I went on the exact same road trip twice. I think that I'm going to stay away from doing any kind of adventures or sill stuff for the time being. I have to catch up with whatever kind of garbage I sort of, got myself into over these last few months. I'm not sure why things have turned out this way, but it's not a huge deal, at least, I think that this is all fixable.

...

what were the things that i need to fix? well. these adventures that i've gone on left my credit cards maxed out, my checking accounts drained, my investment accounts empty, and. well. everything is kind of a catastrophe.

...

i think that i sold most of my bullion coins at pawn shops and coin dealers in other states. i took quite a bit of losses on those fucking things. those were pointless places to put my money.

...

Notes from Arlington, Texas #72

I remember a time when I felt happy, and now, I'm not sure I feel any which way about anything.

The only thing I feel now is sadness. I'm heading back to Texas.

...

I don't know where I was when I wrote that post. I was probably in a different state, as in, a state other than Texas, but probably in a different mental state as well. right now I'm clearing out my list of things to do. there are a lot of things that I need to take care of. I kind of need to look for work again. and I kind of want to work nights, but this might not work with my class schedule, since most class times assume that people work during the day, and, well, most people do work during the day.

...

I'm cleaning up old posts, and I'm going to turn them all into one gigantic post. that's the idea here.

...

I still kind of want to drive to Alaska. I think it would be the coolest thing ever. I mean, other people have done it before, but. I haven't done it before. and I think it would be the most amazing thing that I could do. i have to take care of a number of things before i do something like this. i have to take care of any traffic tickets and tolls that i've racked up over these past few months while taking road trips. and then i have to have work done on my car. i have to look for work too. i am nearly cleared out financially. i'm lucky that nothing major happened to my car during this road trip, like during my road trip through Louisiana.

...

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

117 Sanford Street

What is on my List of Things to do?

I won't worry about that right now.
What i was thinking was that. well.
sometimes i think funny things, and
sometimes i remember funny things,
and there are times when i wish that
i had written those funny thoughts
and things down somewhere. i don't
always get a chance to do that.

* * *

it hasn't really mattered to me in the
longest time.

...

Ken Yamat, is the one who did this and Kenneth L. Yamat, is also the
one who also did this they did it, but is it Kenneth or Ken?
well It all depends on who you ask and when you ask.

* * *

I have work tomorrow early in the
afternoon. the stock market ran up,
and then abruptly dipped the other
day. Still, my limit order wasn't filled.
not that I exactly want to to be filled.
i mean. i do want to to be filled but
i don't know if i want a drop that big.

* * *

there was this thing that happened the other day. I got an email regarding chocolates, and, i was thinking about sending the blue box recipient a box of chocolates. but. i don't even know. there is no telling what that could lead to. and i mean that in the sense that there are negative consequences of sending a box of chocolates that I'm worried about.

* * *

but here is another thing, maybe chocolates could be a hint for something else. i have no idea. well. i don't know really. like maybe, maybe the second job stuff and sending a gift with my resume. it's an idea, but i'm not sure how well it would work.

* * *

working on cleaning out my email box. also working on cleaning up my calendar of stuff that i can do whenever.

* * *

benefits elections. i can do that later.

* * *

i may need to check my mailbox at the UPS Store. i have to actually go out there, but i think that i actually went there not too long ago. i really don't want to check it more than i need to because checking it requires a special journey.

* * *

this is where Sanford street 117 and the Painting the Patio post switch from one to the other.

...

it's been a while since I had a mailbox at the UPS store. a long time. I thought that simply having a mailbox would be enough for most of the things that I need an address for, but, for some reason, i need to have a legitimate residential address for a lot of things that require an address, and a mailbox, a private mailbox or even a post office box isn't enough to satisfy those address requirements.

after the 1-year lease of the mailbox at the UPS store, I didn't bother to renew. there seems to be an issue with my residential mailbox, however. the city postal carrier doesn't seem to make much of an effort picking up the outgoing mail. it might be that he doesn't bother picking it up daily, or, maybe he just never picks it up.

...

I'm really tired. I've been staying up late. I haven't been doing anything interesting. Other than painting my patio. I kind of like the way it looks.

The two main things that I need to focus on right now are my social security disability application, stuff for college, and cleaning and repairing things around my apartment.

the disability application is due in a few fucking days, the college stuff is due a few fucking days after that, and the apartment stuff really doesn't have a due date or deadline.

...

I'm really thinking about forgetting about the social security disability application for now. the reason being that. even if i finish the application by the deadline, which is in a few days. it takes months for a decision to be made, and then several more months to receive a first payment. i'm better off just forgetting about if for now, having my claim denied, and then maybe reapplying later on down the line, and anyway. i might be able to find work before then.

...

i bought a new computer, but it is way slower than my previous computer. way slower.

...

Letters from Sanford Street # 44

Oh my god. Jesus. My lord.

I'm uploading all of these Submittable poems to my Blog. Many of them haven't been here before. Many of them I haven't already scraped and posted to my blog. The reason why is that. While a submission is under consideration by the magazine or journal, it's important that the work in the submission doesn't appear any where else, either online or in print, so I may have just left them in Submittable without posting them here, and later forgot to collect them when they were rejected.

I'm at the Copyright website, and checking it out.

* * *

I want to try getting a copyright on something, just to fill out the form, and pay the fee, and see how the whole process works. I don't think that I'll eventually make any money out of this. I don't think that I'm going to make any money from anything that I copyright. This is just an experiment.

...

The previous section was from my Letters from Sanford Street series. I think that it was posted some time in September of 2020. and I think, it had to have been before I filed my first copyright. and I think. my first piece of writing that I submitted to the copyright office was "The Senior Director."

...

I deleted my Plenty of Fish account. I think that I had about 8 months left on my subscription, but, it was more or less useless anyway. I'm not sure that I really want to pursue a relationship, or, anything like that, even in my profile I think that I noted that I'm not really looking for a relationship or any kind of commitment. There wasn't an option to describe exactly why I don't want to use the dating app any more, so I just selected the option "I give up" as the reason for deleting my account.

...

Notes from Arlington, Texas # 71

I need to think for a minute. I was thinking: maybe everything since leaving Missouri has been a, kind of a two year manic episode, that's kind of still going on right now. I think it's kind of important to. maybe it's kind of important to take regular vacations or something. like small ones.


I finally sorted through all the stuff I had from the hospital, and all the weird shit I bought during the road trip. and I came across my discharge paperwork, and I have an appointment. a follow up appointment on the 15th.

* * *

This is a nightmare. and. well. I've been here before. so. I know what to expect. vaguely.

...

So, after the road trip that landed me in the hospital, I went on a similar road trip the following month. I'm back home. I'm not working.

There are a few things related to school that I'm working on. One is getting into a 3rd class. Part of the reason I'm trying to get into this third class is because I'm applying for this fellowship, it's kind of a research grant, and it comes with a monthly stipend. Anyway, the fellowship requires that I'm enrolled full-time, which is 9 units for a graduate student.

So I'm trying to get into this third class, and there is this kind of application process involved.

...

I have to try not to feel overwhelmed by the things that I have to deal with. None of this is too serious. None of this is too challenging.

...

I completed my application for the third class that I'm trying to get into, but I also managed to complete my Social Security Disability application as well. What happened with the disability application is that, I really didn't want to go through all the paperwork involved, much of the information required would have been kind of a headache to go through and track down. I was lucky because someone from the social security administration reached out to me over the phone, and submitted a revised application based on my responses to his questions.

I was somewhat amused by some of my own responses to his questions.

So now I just have to work on my fellowship application.

and then look for work.

...

Sunday, July 26, 2020
Yeah, this blog is on an indefinite hiatus.
Yeah, this blog is on an indefinite hiatus. 

* * *

Yeah, this blog is on indefinite hiatus. 

All subsequent posts will be referred to as the indefinite hiatus series.

* * *

Cracks in the concrete of the 
patio of the balcony. I'm always 
out there, yet hardly notice.

#tercet
#haiku

* * *

Monday, July 27, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 1
sometimes it's real or isn't real. i think that for this series, i'm going to type in all lowercase letters. this is the first day of my indefinite hiatus. 
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 4:24 AM 

* * *

Monday, July 27, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 1
sometimes it's real or isn't real. i think that for this series, i'm going to type in all lowercase letters. this is the first day of my indefinite hiatus. 
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 4:24 AM

* * *

Monday, July 27, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 2
today was a kind of a normal day i guess. i'm tired. sometimes i need to smoke, and i go outside, and someone is always there. or arrives shortly after i arrive. what is the hiatus? i think that a hiatus is when something is delayed.

whatever i'm waiting for. i still seem to be waiting for it. 

i also have to remember to buy sneakers. i already have shoes and boots, but i think that i have boots that would actually meet the specifications listed in the job description, so i may be able to wear those if my boots don't arrive. i might need to start shopping now actually.

or, to put it another way, i may need to actually start shopping now. 

* * *

i'm super tired. what i think is. it's getting hot again. i think i need to just stay inside. i think it's the actual sun that is actually burning me right now. so tired. 
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 3:51 PM 

* * *

Monday, July 27, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 2
today was a kind of a normal day i guess. i'm tired. sometimes i need to smoke, and i go outside, and someone is always there. or arrives shortly after i arrive. what is the hiatus? i think that a hiatus is when something is delayed.

whatever i'm waiting for. i still seem to be waiting for it. 

i also have to remember to buy sneakers. i already have shoes and boots, but i think that i have boots that would actually meet the specifications listed in the job description, so i may be able to wear those if my boots don't arrive. i might need to start shopping now actually.

or, to put it another way, i may need to actually start shopping now. 

* * *

i'm super tired. what i think is. it's getting hot again. i think i need to just stay inside. i think it's the actual sun that is actually burning me right now. so tired. 

* * *

Wednesday, July 29, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 3
Annotation: 05/29/2022 10:31 PM

I'm going through these old posts, and editing them somewhat, making minor changes here and there, but nothing too fabulous. I remember this email. and. I don't know if I would call this hate-mail or what. I have no idea, the person doesn't seem to like me, although. I think I may know the person, but I don't think that I really know who this is from. I don't know. I'm irritated. I was discouraged.

* * *

this is an email i received through the blogger contact form.

* * *

Yo, quit being a simp. She isn't going to give you a reply just for
mailing her a 900 dollar ring. You're wasting your time and money over
love that does not exist. She already moved on and is already focusing on
her career and social life. Women themselves are flawed and are not that
perfect themselves just like us. I'm concerned for your mental health
because it seems that you're OBSESSED with her and its not a good thing.
You think I don't understand anything about love but I have tried it and it
didn't work out. That girl tries to get my hopes high but it ultimately
fails when she doesnt give me attention during our causal date while at the
same time working (yes, it was badly planned out). I had to move on
because it was a waste of time for me. I hope you learn to move on and do
good for yourself. Otherwise, you're gonna learn the hard way. I wish you
the best in life. If not, then you're gonna go down the rabbit hole.

Regards,
Jonathan Price

* * *

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:18 AM 

* * *

Wednesday, July 29, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 3
Annotation: 05/29/2022 10:31 PM

I'm going through these old posts, and editing them somewhat, making minor changes here and there, but nothing too fabulous. I remember this email. and. I don't know if I would call this hate-mail or what. I have no idea, the person doesn't seem to like me, although. I think I may know the person, but I don't think that I really know who this is from. I don't know. I'm irritated. I was discouraged.

* * *

this is an email i received through the blogger contact form.

* * *

Yo, quit being a simp. She isn't going to give you a reply just for
mailing her a 900 dollar ring. You're wasting your time and money over
love that does not exist. She already moved on and is already focusing on
her career and social life. Women themselves are flawed and are not that
perfect themselves just like us. I'm concerned for your mental health
because it seems that you're OBSESSED with her and its not a good thing.
You think I don't understand anything about love but I have tried it and it
didn't work out. That girl tries to get my hopes high but it ultimately
fails when she doesnt give me attention during our causal date while at the
same time working (yes, it was badly planned out). I had to move on
because it was a waste of time for me. I hope you learn to move on and do
good for yourself. Otherwise, you're gonna learn the hard way. I wish you
the best in life. If not, then you're gonna go down the rabbit hole.

Regards,
Jonathan Price

* * *

Wednesday, July 29, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 3
this is an email i received through the blogger contact form.

* * *

Yo, quit being a simp.  She isn't going to give you a reply just for 
mailing her a 900 dollar ring.  You're wasting your time and money over 
love that does not exist. She already moved on and is already focusing on 
her career and social life. Women themselves are flawed and are not that 
perfect themselves just like us.  I'm concerned for your mental health 
because it seems that you're OBSESSED with her and its not a good thing.   
You think I don't understand anything about love but I have tried it and it 
didn't work out. That girl tries to get my hopes high but it ultimately 
fails when she doesnt give me attention during our causal date while at the 
same time working (yes, it was badly planned out).  I had to move on 
because it was a waste of time for me.  I hope you learn to move on and do 
good for yourself. Otherwise, you're gonna learn the hard way.  I wish you 
the best in life.  If not, then you're gonna go down the rabbit hole.

Regards,
JonathanPrice 
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:18 AM 

* * *

Wednesday, July 29, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 4
Annotation: 05/29/2022 10:35 PM

I don't remember what this purchase was. I think the original thing that I sent was a bracelet. and. she never got it. I think. i did get my money back for all those purchases, but there were a number of things that i had sent to myself, to my private mailbox at the UPS store. I don't know why i did all this. I don't know how i was so out of my mind.

* * *

Thank you for contacting us.

This is to let you know that Tiffany.com Customer Service has received your email. We are experiencing a significant increase in volume and we will respond to your inquiry within 72 hours. If your email is of an urgent matter, please contact us @ 1-800-843-3269

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Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:20 AM

* * *

Wednesday, July 29, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 5
i took a decent nap today. i'm really kind of tired, but something is keeping me up.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:22 AM 

* * *

Wednesday, July 29, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 6


There
really
wasn't
anything here
other than a 
bunch of photographs
screenshots really
of purchases of stamps
that i purchased from
the united state postal service

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 4:15 AM 

* * *

Sunday, August 2, 2020
indefinite hiatus 7
indefinite hiatus 7 infinite hiatus 1

I don't even know what to say to you to get
whatever it is that I'm looking for from you. Hell
is here, this place is melting, I'm not at work and
me stuck at home I can't think of much else. Here in
 
Arlington I feel like I may have went to the 
wrong place, what I'm I doing? This can go on for
all eternity. I'm not happy about it.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:16 AM

* * *

Thursday, August 6, 2020
indefinite hiatus 8
i am really tired. i don't know what is coming next. i'm so tired. the climate here is so different from the way the climate was in either missouri or nevada or california. i realize now how different things can be between different places. it was so hot in nevada that it had to have been hotter than here. i usually stayed indoors in nevada because it was so hot. interviewees. when i came across that word, i was surprised that it was actually spelled that way.

there are times when i think that i should have stayed in missouri, but whatever. really. whatever. i miss <Text Removed>.

i took a hiatus from work for a while. i just can't make it there. it's too far. it's too hot. i'm sure that i will survive this. but i don't always know how to do things in a way that makes very much sense to me. i'm tired. what else do i have to sell.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 9:21 PM 

* * *

Sunday, August 9, 2020
indefinite hiatus 9
i realized something. in life. it's kind of important to conform. it's just the way it is i guess. 

i'm at the point in my life where i'm struggling just to put food on the table. for one. i don't have a microwave, and i'm afraid of the stove.

i don't know. my thoughts are all over the place.

i bought a paper newspaper.

i was at a coffee shop and i spoke with one of the cashier's and a kind of awakening. i think the reason i didn't really fit in when i was in missouri was that. i wasn't super political. i dislike spending all day arguing about this or that stuff.

let's see. what happened. it's never clear to me which political movement i should side with. we all just want to rip each other apart and give each other shit i think.

what do i do for money? what do i do for money?

i think that we are in that universe where everyone has to take sides and duke it out to the death. or maybe this is all bullshit. i don't really know.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 11:05 AM 

* * *

Sunday, August 9, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 9
i realized something. in life. it's kind of important to conform. it's just the way it is i guess. 

i'm at the point in my life where i'm struggling just to put food on the table. for one. i don't have a microwave, and i'm afraid of the stove.

i don't know. my thoughts are all over the place.

i bought a paper newspaper.

i was at a coffee shop and i spoke with one of the cashier's and a kind of awakening. i think the reason i didn't really fit in when i was in missouri was that. i wasn't super political. i dislike spending all day arguing about this or that stuff.

let's see. what happened. it's never clear to me which political movement i should side with. we all just want to rip each other apart and give each other shit i think.

what do i do for money? what do i do for money?

i think that we are in that universe where everyone has to take sides and duke it out to the death. or maybe this is all bullshit. i don't really know.

* * *

Sunday, August 9, 2020
indefinite hiatus 10
i think that having an opinion is a liability

i also think that not having an opinion is also a liability

i'm so irritated about about everything

i read some articles a while back about a concept called virtue signaling, and the issue is whether or not people actually care about the issues, or if they are just doing things because the social order requires them to, or to look good or whatever.

and i think that those kinds of questions are a kind of like intellect signaling.

and i think. i think that

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 11:30 AM 

* * *

Sunday, August 9, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 10
i think that having an opinion is a liability

i also think that not having an opinion is also a liability

i'm so irritated about about everything

i read some articles a while back about a concept called virtue signaling, and the issue is whether or not people actually care about the issues, or if they are just doing things because the social order requires them to, or to look good or whatever.

and i think that those kinds of questions are a kind of like intellect signaling.

and i think. i think that

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 11:30 AM 

* * *

Sunday, August 9, 2020
indefinite hiatus 11
I was in a lousy mood so i went kyaking. The place pinged for flower mound. And of course i thought id run into <Text Removed>there. And of course i didn't. Anyway. I had a near death experience. And pretty much almost died. But i was in knee deep water so it was a bullshit near death experience.

But about other things. I dont know why i get so cynical. I don't know why i get so fruatrated. I wonder if ill get into college. I wonder if.i have the aptitude. I really dont know.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 5:16 PM 

* * *

indefinite hiatus day 11
I was in a lousy mood so i went kyaking. The place pinged for flower mound. And of course i thought id run into <Text Removed>there. And of course i didn't. Anyway. I had a near death experience. And pretty much almost died. But i was in knee deep water so it was a bullshit near death experience.

But about other things. I dont know why i get so cynical. I don't know why i get so fruatrated. I wonder if ill get into college. I wonder if.i have the aptitude. I really dont know.

* * *

Sunday, August 9, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 11
I was in a lousy mood so i went kyaking. The place pinged for flower mound. And of course i thought id run into <Text Removed>there. And of course i didn't. Anyway. I had a near death experience. And pretty much almost died. But i was in knee deep water so it was a bullshit near death experience.

But about other things. I dont know why i get so cynical. I don't know why i get so fruatrated. I wonder if ill get into college. I wonder if.i have the aptitude. I really dont know.


Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 5:16 PM 

* * *

Monday, August 10, 2020
indefinite hiatus 12
I don't even know what to do. This place is way too hot. Way too hot. The AC unit is constantly rumbling. And it's driving me nuts. I came to texas on a whim and I'm concerned that this may have been the wrong decision. Why did I leave Missouri somewhat out of nowhere. I don't even know. The last thing that I remember is that things were slowly falling apart for me there. Why did I fucking come down here?
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:13 AM 

* * *

Monday, August 10, 2020
indefinite hiatus 13
i'm in kind of a lousy mood. why. am. i here. i need to get a tune up for my car. and maybe that is what i should focus on. if i get only one thing done. i need to get that done.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 9:39 AM 

* * *

Wednesday, August 12, 2020
indefinite hiatus 14
It's hot. I'm in my car running the air conditioning.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:36 PM

* * *

Wednesday, August 12, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 14
It's hot. I'm in my car running the air conditioning.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:36 PM

* * *

Thursday, August 13, 2020
indefinite hiatus 15
im tired and i really just want to take a nap. i want to go to sleep. It's just so fucking hot. I need to resign from my current job and look for something new.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 3:39 AM  
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1 comment:

UnknownAugust 13, 2020 at 10:47 AM
Hi Ken, I hope all is well. I have been a reader of your blog for some time, I truly hope you pick things back up again. I just want to say that there are people out there that truly cares for your well being, never think that you are alone.

You may think that the choices you made are poor or whatever it is, but things happen for a reason right? You made a choice to come to Texas and whether or not it is on a whim, you are there and experiencing life. Who do you know right now, that can pack everything up and just move to a random location? It takes a lot of guts to do that.

Your posts takes people on a roller coaster, it goes up and down. You know what I feel honestly about your feelings about Kristin? You need to let that go, it looks like she has moved on with her relationship and career. You want to spend your time and energy on what is in front of you NOW, not what has happened in the past. Sure, things that you have previously experienced in the past may sculpt how you are as a person now but don't linger in the past. It is time to move on, it will hurt for me to say this but I don't think Kristen ever cared. If she did, you two would be together now. So move on from this part of your life. There are plenty of fishes in the water, there are plenty of wonderful women out there waiting for their future partner. I wished that I had taken this same advice that I am giving you now, had I wasted 10 years of my life with someone who never gave a damn. I finally moved on and found my life partner. I hope you are able to find this person sometime in the future, because you WILL know when this special person steps in your life. Trust me, you will know it. It is not Kristen and unfortunately, it has never been Kristen.

As for your career, I feel as though you are very good with literature and very poetic. Have you considered writing your own book? Just a thought.

All in all, I wish you the best of luck. I hope things start looking more positive. You are a great person, continue to be you. Live the life that you dream. Don't sleep in a sleeping bag, spend money on yourself. Take care of yourself because no one else will. Love yourself and BE WHO YOU ARE.

Your avid reader,
Jamie

Reply Delete

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus 16
there was a long comment on my previous blog post. i'm not sure i'm ready to read it. it's probably from my fucking dad or some shit.

i know should read it. but i'm not really sure i should read it.

i'm fucking tired. 

maybe i'll fucking read it.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:46 PM 

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 16
there was a long comment on my previous blog post. i'm not sure i'm ready to read it. it's probably from my fucking dad or some shit.

i know should read it. but i'm not really sure i should read it.

i'm fucking tired. 

maybe i'll fucking read it.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:46 PM 

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus 17
still thinking. i've been wanting to write something for the last few days. still. why the fuck am i in texas. i registered my car. i need to get a driver's license.

i don't know if i'm going to get into school. or what. or what to do next. this is a nightmare.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 2:25 PM 

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus 18
one of the recommendations in the comment was to write a book or something. what annoys me about that is i'm not even sure how many times i've tried that. so let's see. let's say i go on one more road trip. to wherever the fuck. where the fuck would that be?

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 3:02 PM 

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus 19
so maybe if i take a road trip i'll go this way.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 3:03 PM

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus 20
i wonder how cheaply this can be done.

this is an updated map.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 3:50 PM 

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus 21
i'm just trying to think of who the commenter could have been. maybe not my dad, maybe someone else, but i'm not sure how long i've had this blog going on. i don't think that this blog was the san jose review, ever.

i think i started it as prospectus media group, then chestnut and hazel, not the san jose review, then prospectus media group, then chestnut and hazel.

and i don't think i've ever had much of a readership.

how cheap can i make this road trip?

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 3:56 PM 

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus 22
 
this post was just
a number of photographs.
I look fucking ugly.

i hate the way I look.
i hate taking selfies
i hate taking photographs of myself.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 4:07 PM

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus 23

I really don't know what this post
was comprised of, there were a bunch
of what appear to be photographs
on this post, but I don't really have any
idea because this post was taking
forever to load.
 
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 4:18 PM

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus 24
i'm really thinking about going on a road trip. just for the weekend. i'm not thinking about relocating. realistically, i can't relocate.

there are a few problems with the job i currently have. i never seem to be able to get to work. i really can't. i think the company is fine, but i just can't seem to get to work. i have to resign at some point and then find something closer to where i live.

i can't relocate again, not for a while, i've hemorrhaged too much cash in just this one move. 

this move was a huge disaster. i don't have any other options really at this point.

I'm actually stuck here.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 5:03 PM

* * *

Saturday, August 15, 2020
indefinite hiatus 25
i'm still thinking. i'm going to go on this little road trip of whatever.

i need to look for a job closer to home, but, i'm not sure how much i can really get done during the weekend.

i keep reading articles about career this, and career that, and shit like that.

and

when i was in cameron missouri, i was on track to make 70 thousand that year, just in wages.

i didn't have anything that would traditionally be defined as a career, but i enjoyed it.

i didn't have shit else to worry about, other than going to work, and going to sleep.

i didn't have some girlfriend constantly making me feel insecure about myself.

or nagging kids unhappy with whatever life i could afford to give them.

or some wife telling me we need a bigger house with a bigger mortgage.

i didn't have any friends i had to compete with in the social pecking order.

i didn't have to worry about who had the biggest dick, or the hottest girlfriend, or the fastest car or the biggest house.

i was actually happy. i was actually just in my own universe, and i was the master of that fucking universe, i did what i fucking wanted to do, and i fucking enjoyed it.

and i was actually really happy with that set up.

i have to think. what the hell do i do now.

i have to look for a new job, and i'll do that when i get back.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 5:24 PM

* * *

Monday, August 17, 2020
indefinite hiatus day 26
N indefinite hiatus day 26
yeah. i came back from this little road trip of mine. i can't exactly sleep right now. for one thing. it is kind of hot. for some reason this room always makes me light headed.

it was a long road trip. and honestly. i felt like i can get better sleep on the road as opposed to in this apartment.

i don't know what to say. 

i can't sleep. so i figured that i might as well work on something.

i was thinking about organizing my stuff.

i figure that i might as well jot down some notes, and maybe work on my calendar.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:38 AM

* * *

Monday, August 17, 2020
I indefinite hiatus 27
i don't even know what to do next. realistically. i can't drive very far for work. driving drives me insane. or. it irritates me. after taking my car to the dealership to get serviced, it seems to drive a whole lot better.

i want to say that it may make sense to keep my job. cut my leave of absence short. i don't really know.

i'm so fucking tired.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:53 AM 

* * *

Monday, August 17, 2020
I indefinite hiatus 27
i don't even know what to do next. realistically. i can't drive very far for work. driving drives me insane. or. it irritates me. after taking my car to the dealership to get serviced, it seems to drive a whole lot better.

i want to say that it may make sense to keep my job. cut my leave of absence short. i don't really know.

i'm so fucking tired.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:53 AM 

* * *

Monday, August 17, 2020
indefinite hiatus 28
T indefinite hiatus 28
im not even sure if this series title works.

im tired. and i don't even know what i should be doing.

i need to get my drivers license.

and i think that's what i'm going to do.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:55 PM 

* * *

Monday, August 17, 2020
S indefinite hiatus 29
I went to get my drivers license. The soonest appointment isn't until january.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 3:31 PM 

* * *

Monday, August 17, 2020
I indefinite hiatus 30
Yeah. I guess i tried to get my drivers license. There isn't any availability until january of 2021. I did get a call about my passport application. I'm not sure im going to need a passport.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 6:57 PM 

* * *

Monday, August 17, 2020
R indefinite hiatus 31
i'm not sure how many times i've already said this, but i went to the public safety office to try to get a driver's licence, and i won't be able to get one until next year, when there is availability for an appointment.

whatever.

it may make sense to go back to my job at the airport.

it's temporary, and seasonal, so maybe i don't have to worry too much about anything.

but maybe they hired someone else for that position.

so maybe i'll just figure that whole thing out later.



june 15th is when i left cameron missouri

maybe sooner. i have no idea.

so it's been two months in texas.

these are strange times for me.

* * *

thinking back to when this all started. i'm doing things that i've been wanting to do, but i think that i'm doing them sooner than i wanted to.

i've been wanting to move out of my dad's house for a while. i guess i finally did, but i really think this was earlier than i wanted.

i think that if i took my time with things, i would have relocated to the kansas city area instead, went to UMKC, and then looked for a job, or career or whatever after graduation, in the Kansas City area.

i had the fucking money to do it.

* * * 

I think that i probably would have continued working two jobs for another year or two if i had my way with things. if i stayed in cameron, missouri. saved up more money and really did something cool.

* * *

let's think things through again. my first choice would have been that nothing changed for another two years. i would have kept working at the warehouse and at the hotel, living with my dad, and saving and investing my money. maybe i would have looked for another morning job that payed more than the hotel, and was more clerical or more of in an office setting, a desk job, or paperwork job or whatever.

my second choice would have been to go to graduate school at UMKC, get the MS in Finance, take a few classes in real estate finance, and project finance or something, a few classes in engineering, accounting, some other stuff, maybe math. a few art classes.

* * *

my neighbor tried to start a conversation with me right now. i shut the door. i'm not trying to be rude with the guy but i'm working on something, i'm kind of trying to get my shit together, my thoughts together or whatever, and his ass is distracting me.
 
* * *

I just need to put some money together.



Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 10:16 PM 

* * *

Tuesday, August 18, 2020
K indefinite hiatus 32
it would make sense to see if i can get my job back at the airport.

really. i'm still not sure why i'm in texas.

i wanted to see <Text Removed>, but if that's not going to happen, then that just one less reason to stick around.

i would like to go to college here, but if i don't get it, then it would probably make more sense to 

head back to missouri and see if i can renew my application or whatever.



if i can't get into college in texas, that's really also one less reason to stick around.



in terms of work. i just need to be able to tread water for the next 12 months.

at a minimum i just need to be able to tread water for 12 months.

obviously i'd like to do more than that, but in life, i'm not sure that i always get what i want.





Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 5:59 AM

* * *

Tuesday, August 18, 2020
indefinite hiatus 33
I can't believe it's already thursday. It felt like just a few days ago that i went on a roadtrip.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 2:48 PM

* * *

Tuesday, August 18, 2020
indefinite hiatus 34
I followed up with the passport stuff. I'm still not sure I'm going to need one but I figured that I may consider completing the process anyway.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 2:59 PM 

* * *

Tuesday, August 18, 2020
indefinite hiatus 35
i went for a walk around town. i passed by several used car dealerships. i applied for 1 job today, and it was a job in a lab.

 and this kind of interests me. the idea of working in a lab. there are other lab positions, but they seem not to pay too much.

they don't seem to pay very well. but i think i mentioned before that for the time being, that i only really need to tread water at the moment.

try something new i guess.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 4:48 PM 

* * *

Tuesday, August 18, 2020
indefinite hiatus 36
i went to this pizza place here in the neighborhood. i was going to go to jack in the box, but changed my mind at the last minute.

I'm applying for jobs closer to home. i would like to look more into this laboratory stuff. i applied for a few.

i have never used linkedin for finding a job. or at least not much.

there was this sales position with a company here in the dallas fort worth area where i connected with hiring manager via linkedin. it didn't exactly go anywhere.

I'm applying for one of these positions directly on the company website.

Whenever I'm applying for a job. I typically hammer and barrage the posts. I don't know what else to do really.

Supposing that application submissions are more tailored and targeted, what would that result in?

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 10:44 PM

* * *

Tuesday, August 18, 2020
indefinite hiatus 37
i don't know i'm still up typing crap. i'm in a weird mood. i guess. i thought about looking at my post history. like how many posts i wrote month to month over the last few years.

and i think that i wrote the most posts during the most difficult and tumultuous times of my life. i want to say that that's the case, but it might not totally be the case.

i want to say that the move from nevada to missouri was a really fucked up time in my life. it was a difficult move.

this move from missouri to texas. this was a strange move too.

* * *

Tuesday, August 18, 2020
indefinite hiatus 38
i'm trying to think of a series of events, or a sequence of events that happened recently.

so.

a while ago i started sending my receipts to myself, rather than to <Text Removed>. i'm not sure why i was sending her my receipts.

i guess the main reason was to show that i was actually in texas and not bullshitting about it.

then i get the reader comment saying, like saying something, like forget <Text Removed> or whatever, it irritated me somewhat because i was already kind of heading in that direction.

i ended up going on a weekend road trip around texas. i bought a few <Text Removed> name tags, and another braclet.

i thought about sending them to her, and then i thought about keeping them for myself. 

but i think that i might just mail them off to her.

but i kind of want to keep them.

i don't know what to do about that situation.

some of this stuff is actually kind of cool.

i actually do. have to kind of focus on getting my shit here together in texas.

i really like this silver bracelet. i really do.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 11:49 PM

* * *

Wednesday, August 19, 2020
indefinite hiatus 39
I had trouble falling asleep. I ate at the pizza buffet at night, but a few hours later i was hungry again. I ate at 9 PM. Around 4 AM i felt like eating again. I went to jack in the box. But they were closed. So i went to quik trip and the hot items werent ready. So i had a muffin. Then came back when the hot items were ready.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 4:58 AM 

* * *

Wednesday, August 19, 2020
indefinite hiatus 40
so what in shits name should i do right now? looking for a job. i think. there are a few paths that i can take, and i really have to think through what is the optimal path.

if i just need to tread water for the time being. if i just need to stay afloat or whatever, and i just need to make enough money to pay my bills for the time being.

then maybe i should look for a job that has some kind of career path or whatever.

i should have tried to do the program or whatever at UMKC. Instead I went on this bizarre adventure.

i did have to get away from my dad, and my family and all that.

so maybe this was actually an okay thing.

maybe this wasn't a totally bad idea.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 11:45 AM 

* * *

Wednesday, August 19, 2020
indefinite hiatus 41
i don't know what was up with me today. i went out to eat, and i guess cruise around and stuff. stupid. i spent way too much on lunch, and way too much on this tree for my patio. idiot. the only thing i bought that i actually needed was a few bottles of diet pepsi. and that was like 15 bucks.

well. i have to return to job hunting. i paid my rent for september.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 3:52 PM 

* * *

Wednesday, August 19, 2020
indefinite hiatus 42
i thought that i'd write another sonnet 
about a certain devil-voodoo-chick
who rules my mind and is always on it,
in my cranium i hear her tongue flick

sensibilities in my ear like: "move 
on idiot, i hardly remember
who the fuck you are, other than the smooth,
greasy, bald head of yours, and the embers

on the tips of those cigarettes you smoked
constantly like you were some kind of clit-
sucker." A few days ago I had stroked
my last paper letter, tossed in the slit

of a mailbox at a post office in
some small town: i hope it's not if, but when.

- for <Text Removed>

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 5:37 PM 

* * *

Wednesday, August 19, 2020
indefinite hiatus 43
do i really want to go to graduate school? there is a community college here in arlington, and i really don't mind taking classes just for enrichment, the issue is that, i also need something to show for the time and money that i spend in college, i might as well be enrolled in a formal program.

i don't know why i'm considering this graduate school crap again. i'm too old for this. but maybe not. i don't know.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 8:39 PM 

* * *

Thursday, August 20, 2020
indefinite hiatus 44
i went to my job at the airport, and i was going to talk to human resources about my work issues, and i guess the office wasn't open.

i thought i resigned already, but i figured, if there is a chance to get my job back, and stop looking for work, then maybe that is the best thing that i can do right now.

and then i drove there, and remembered what a nightmare the commute is.

maybe I should have paid for office space rather than an apartment. trying to optimize lifestyle flexibility can be just as difficult as trying to establish a more stable lifestyle.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:37 PM 

* * *

Thursday, August 20, 2020
indefinite hiatus 45
so there is an opportunity to work from home. it's kind of like a call center job, from home, i guess. i just don't know how good my internet connection is. i'll worry about that later. i was going to purchase a high speed internet plan from at&t, rather than just use my phone, but i guess that the service isn't available here in arlington. if i need that service, i guess i'll get it, but it isn't clear to me right now if i'm going to need it or not.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 4:35 PM 

* * *

Thursday, August 20, 2020
indefinite hiatus 46
i recieved an email from Google Play Music that i would eventually have to transfer my music files to YouTube Music. so i did, but i also wanted to download my music too, it didn't work, and i blew through all my tethering data in the process. what a waste. nightmare.

i have to work on this paperwork for the work-from-home job. i don't want to buy an internet connection or whatever. i don't want another fucking bill, and i really don't. i'm potentially skeptical that this neighborhood is the right place to work from home. sometimes it can be really fucking noisy. 

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 6:28 PM 

* * *

Thursday, August 20, 2020
indefinite hiatus 47
 i just bought another allocation of mobile hot spot data for my phone. i'm not going to buy an internet connection. i just don't see the point right now. i don't really game, and i really just use my laptop for documents really. i'll just watch how much data i use.

this means, really, that i won't be taking the work at home call center job. i just won't do it. i don't need any additional expenses right now. just not going to do it.

i'll keep looking for work here in arlington.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 6:51 PM 

* * *

Thursday, August 20, 2020
indefinite hiatus 48
So I'm thinking. This might be somewhat useless. But I may make a few job inquiries the old fashioned way.

I have to remember to complete the exit process for my job at the airport.

And i won't be taking the work from home job. 

I went to the pizza place tonight. I was a little bit silly with the young woman who works there, she doesn't speak English and makes kind of a point not to speak English. And i dont know if having been silly with her going to get me killed. Either by the sacred order of the <Text Removed>. Or the Honduran Mafia. I wasn't flirtatious. I was just silly.

There are a few open positions at hotels in arlington. Several of them are at the same hotel. Many of them are seasonal.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 11:50 PM

* * *

Friday, August 21, 2020
indefinite hiatus 49
After my shift at work. I went to jack in the box and had a few tacos. I went to the buffet for lunch. Not the pizza buffet but the asian buffet. Now im here at the movies.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 6:12 PM 

* * *

Friday, August 21, 2020
indefinite hiatus 50

these are
photographs of
plants that I bought that
eventually died, or that
i eventually sold.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 9:05 PM

* * *

Friday, August 21, 2020
indefinite hiatus 51
I need to figure out a way to dump photographs somewhere. I use facebook for this most of the time.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 9:11 PM

* * *

Saturday, August 22, 2020
indefinite hiatus 52
As soon ad i get home im going to take the best nap ever.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:29 AM

* * *

Sunday, August 23, 2020
indefinite hiatus 53
things are kind of looking up. i'm feeling a little better, a little less cynical and unhappy. i finally figured out a route to my job at the airport that makes sense to me, and i guess working reduces the randomness and uncertainty of my days and weeks.

I have an idea. I should set my alarm for a few hours after I get back home from work.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 2:07 PM 

* * *

Sunday, August 23, 2020
indefinite hiatus 54
I don't even know. What's on my mind. There is an opportunity to get a second job that would fit very nicely with my schedule. And I think I'll go for it.

I wanted to get something for <Text Removed>. But i have no idea where to send it. I don't know if she'd like that. And I'm kind of running on fumes financially. I still have those keychains from my roadtrip. And that beacelet. But I think I'll keep those. I think I'll send a post card. And leave it at that.

I'm actually afraid to look her up. And maybe I should try being more realistic about. Like. Life I guess. I haven't had a direct response. And maybe that is a response.

I placed some stock orders on robinhood and interactive brokers. I'm trying to round out my share counts. And that's pretty much all I'm doing there.
Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 9:24 PM 

* * *

Sunday, August 23, 2020
indefinite hiatus 55

I was just minding my own business listening to music and this kind of thing pops up. And it makes me think of. The <Text Removed>.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 9:40 PM 

* * *

Monday, August 24, 2020
indefinite hiatis 56
Birthday card
these are a number of
photographs that i took
of a birthday card
or a bunch of birthday cards
that eventually got me into
trouble.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:07 PM

* * *

Wednesday, August 26, 2020
indefinite hiatus 57
so what are some of the things that i'm thinking about right now?
the first thing is getting set up with a second job. the main issue with this idea is that i'm already extremely tired and fatigued after my work at the cargo docks of the airport. however, i noticed that i'm very energized after taking a nap of 3 - 4 hours. so work not be as exhausting as i think it is. 

it might be the heat, more than anything that makes me tired and fatigued. i don't operate equipment at the airport docks, so most of my times is spent actually lifting and moving things.

the second thing that's on my mind is getting set up with some kind of side-hustle. i don't really have anything specific in mind, but one is the courier / food delivery stuff. i had this idea of getting set up on viator and doing a kind of slice of life postmates experience. i thought that it might be fun.

but i really dislike driving. when i get off work at the airport, there is so much traffic on monday, and tuesday that i'm in a real state of annoyance as i drive home.

the other side-hustle idea is selling stuff online. i have to watch some videos on how to do this. the only time i ever did anything like this was in cameron, missouri, and i sold 2 pairs of shoes that i never wore on craigslist.

i did buy some silver coins online. one of them is from 1987, but i realized that i bought one that isn't certified and graded. it's obviously not a counterfeit coin, but being certified and graded gives collectors some kind of erection, and makes the coin more collectible. I think that i bought 4 coins total.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:33 AM

* * *

Wednesday, August 26, 2020
indefinite hiatus 58

fuck
these are
photographs
of my stamp
collection
and they are awesome

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:45 AM 

* * *

Wednesday, August 26, 2020
indefinite hiatus 59
I don't know why i bought those silver coins. I do silly stuff some times. I do impulsive things some times. I've been up all night. It might be my sleep cycle. I'm usually working at this hour.

* * *
these are digital photographs of. these are pictures
of some stamps i bought.
these are some of the most amazing things in the universe.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 4:47 AM 

* * *

Thursday, August 27, 2020
indefinite hiatus 60
I was annoyed that instagram doesnt feed into tumblr without me signing in each time. But i realized that im always signed into tumblr on the app, so i just have to open the app to post. It's easy.

* * *
i'm really fucking annoyed
by everything
and i really think that
everything is kind of useless. and really sucks.

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:25 AM 

* * *

Thursday, August 27, 2020
indefinite hiatus 61
I picked up an extra shift at the docks. Only one person from my regular shift and work team was there.

I'm a little bit dissapointed with the underperformance of my portfolio, but part of it may have been due to my living situation, that I've been withdrawing money, and not reinvesting dividends. But that will change and I'll be on track again.

* * *

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 12:27 AM 

* * *

Thursday, August 27, 2020
indefinite hiatus 62
when i was at the cargo docks, it started raining. several people mentioned the hurricane, and terrant county, where i live, has been declared a, i don't know, zone where the hurricane might have an impact.

i asked someone, the guy i normally work with, if he knew the name of the hurricane, and he didn't. i was browsing facebook and found out that it is named Hurricane Laura.

I think that one day there should be a Hurricane <Text Removed>

Posted by Chestnut + Hazel at 1:21 AM 

* * *

...
--- (08-17-2022) 09:48 PM

...

Painting the Patio & The Indefinite Hiatus, Complete and Unabridged

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