Letters from Sanford Street # 458

Fuck. I'm at the gas station. My battery died. Again. I left me car on, without the engine running, and the bitch died on me. I was trying to fix my tire. Dumb ass air pump. It didn't pump air, because, I think, it was completely deflated.

I'm almost afraid that this is where my life takes a turn for the worst.

Anyway. I got a rejection letter from the ATA-SDE program. I wasn't expecting to get in, but, I'm annoyed about it anyway.

I called roadside service for a jump start. This is a nightmare.

What's on my mind? That life is a fucking nightmare, and there's nothing you can really do about it.

I don't have much of a support system or social circle out here, and, like all I have, really, is my money, and I'm always in a state of hating to spend it.

I feel like life is testing me, but why does life do this? I feel like life throws problems at me just to see how I overcome them, or maybe, just to toy with me.

But why am I facing so many challenges at the same time?

On the one hand I want to ask myself what the hell did I do to deserve this, on the other hand, I'm thinking, maybe this all just happens in cycles, and the only thing you can really do is be prepared, and maybe that's where I'm at, it's nothing personal between me and the fuckig universe, maybe this is just the way it goes from time to time.

Fucking shitty. 

People say that, you kind of need to he comfortable asking for help, but they also say you need to try finding the answer out on your own first. Maybe that's where I'm at.

So right now I'm just waiting for the roadside guy.

* * *

I think of Matt Damon trying to stay alive on Mars, and I don't really think my situation is quite as challenging. I need to get my car jump started, and, I couldnt figure out how to do that on my own.

* * *

There's also Will Smith trying to keep his head above the water in San Francisco as a single father, tryig to pursue a career as a stock broker.

* * *

I want to say that this is just life and this is just the way it goes.

* * *

These challenges I face make me even more fearful about spending money.

* * *

I felt this way recently. That there are hard times ahead. Maybe tonight was just a reminder of that.

* * *

Even though I think of this as a sign that I need to be careful, I think that I also have to be aware of any possibility of being so frustrated that I start behaving in a way that's self destructive.

I probably need new tires, a new battery, an oil change and a tune-up.

* * *

But I think that I'm definitely a little annoyed.

* * * 

There waz something I wanted to look up, but, fuck it I guess. I can't remember what it was. A jacket? My time card? My budget? What? I don't know!