Donald Trump Meets With His Advisers
Donald Trump is at his presidential desk eating a bowl of cheerios when his team of advisers comes in to brief the president about his upcoming meeting with the King of Duckland. Donald Trump gives his bowl of cheerios a nice snarf and listens as his adviser of trade relations begins to speak:
Adviser of Trade Relations: We currently run a trade deficit with the Kingdom of Duckland that stands at about twenty-five trillion Duck Dollars per annum, which translates to about fifty-five cents USD at current exchange rates. Their primary export to the US is duck guano, at about ninety percent of total exports to the US, followed by incandescent light bulbs at around 9 percent of total exports to the US.
Donald Trump: What the fuck is the last 1 percent of exports to the US.
Adviser of Trade Relations: Ink for magic markers, it turns out that duck feathers can be synthesized into ink very cheaply, and the current market for duck feather based ink is a small fraction of what it could be, our trade deficit could double once full industrial scale operations begin.
Donald Trump: So that works out to about a buck ten USD. Why should I even care?
Adviser of Trade Relations: It isn't so much the total dollar amount that we should be worried about, but more about the kind of message that we send to our other trade partners, that we would allow such a huge deficit between our two countries to exist. Imagine what would happen if we were to allow China or Mexico to have such a huge deficit with the United States, we would be talking about a real problem then.
Donald Trump lets out a nice fat burpiccup after finishing his bowl of cheerios. He then proceeds to work on a stack of Oreo cookies. He twists each cookie open and licks the frosting. After licking the frosting he creates another stack of used Oreo cookies that he plans on feeding to his pet duck, Fragonard Benson.
Donald Trump: Do we have anybody here who has inside information on the Kingdom of Duckland? I mean really juicy details that no one else knows. I might need to blackmail the King of Duckland in the event he tries to blackmail me.
Adviser of Trade Relations: It turns out that our, uh, friend here, uh, Fragonard Benson, he, uh, once had a threesome with the King and Queen of Duckland. He also went to clown school with Crown Prince Triple Quack at the prestigious Duckland University.
Donald Trump: Fragonard Benson you are the Shiznit, I knew you would come in handy when I bought you from the duck store, but I had no idea you would help me formulate foreign policy. Tell us exactly everything you know about the Kingdom of Duckland.
Fragonard Benson: First of all, as you may already know, the King of Duckland is a total schmuck; he sits around all day eating bread and bird seeds and shits all over the Royal Palace of Duckland. The Queen of Duckland isn't any better, she let me sit on her eggs once when the King of Duckland was away on a diplomatic trip to China, and that was the extent of our threesome, the only person in the Duckland court who has any sense is Crown Prince Triple Quack, and I think that working closely with the Crown Prince will greatly help our diplomatic efforts with the Kingdom of Duckland.
Donald Trump: I don’t mean to be braggadocious, but I too once had a threesome, it was with the Queen of England and the Crown Prince of Alibabway. There is a lot one can learn about one’s rivals by having a threesome. For one thing I learned that the Queen of England is a passionate lady, she may be pushing ninety years of age, but she has all the stamina of a race horse. She also has thighs like a donkey. The Crown Prince of Alibabway wasn’t too impressive below the belt. He was three inches max, and I didn’t even have to use a ruler. Anyway, enough about threesomes, do you know anything else of importance about the Kingdom of Duckland.
Fragonard Benson: The majority of Duckland residents fly south for the winter. As you may know, the Kingdom of Duckland is near the Aleutian Islands, which is a very cold place for birds to be living, but they manage by eating sea urchins and blowfish. We don’t have a border wall with the Kingdom of Duckland so there is free movement of ducks between the Kingdom of Duckland and the US. Their cloud computers also utilize the CIMI interface, and this has led to efficiencies in information management that make the US look like a Stone Age country.
Donald Trump: When you had the threesome with the King and Queen of Duckland, did you fertilize the Queen’s eggs at all? Do you have any bastard children in the Imperial Court of Duckland who we could build an alliance with? If you do then that might make the diplomatic process go a lot smoother.
Fragonard Benson is thinking about his threesome with the King and Queen of Duckland and tries to think if he did or did not fertilize any of the Queen’s eggs. He is pretty sure that he did not fertilize the Queen’s eggs. The Adviser of Trade Relations pulls a piece of bread from out of his brief case, slathers it with mayonnaise and Grey Poupon, and throws the piece of bread at Fragonard Benson, who eats the bread with great delight. Fragonard Benson cannot believe that Donald Trump would have a threesome with that old bitch the Queen of England. He must have been stoned out of his mind. He must be stoned now to have admitted to doing such a vile and disgusting act. Donald Trump is sitting at his desk when he pulls out a baggie of cocaine, a mirror, a razor blade, and a crisp and light blue one-hundred dollar bill. He puts the coke on the mirror and chops it up with the razor blade, and then makes neat little lines of coke across the mirror; he rolls up the one-hundred dollar bill and snorts the line of coke. Donald Trump has a serious cocaine addiction that the media has yet to pick up on. The cartilage in his nose is starting to wear out, and his nose will soon be sinking into his face. He addresses his team of advisers:
Donald Trump: What is our immigration policy with the Kingdom of Duckland? I’ve made my stance on immigration with Mexico and the Muslim countries known; now I have to let the people know my position on immigration with Duckland. Do we even have a policy concerning Duckland? They flock by the millions to Southern California and Texas and Florida during the winter. They have a tendency to disrupt my golf games when I’m at my palace in Mar-a-Lago.
Adviser of Immigration Relations: there isn’t much that we can do about the immigration situation with Duckland. The ducks come and go as they please. We could put ICE agents at every pond and waterhole where ducks tend to congregate, but the expense would be astronomical. Building a wall wouldn’t be sufficient because the ducks will simply fly over the wall, and a system of cages would be even more expensive than the plan involving ICE agents. I suppose we can have an official immigration policy regarding the Kingdom of Duckland, and we can issue a statement regarding the immigration policy, but when it all comes down to it there is nothing much we can really do unless you would like to spend a mountain of money on the issue. And anyway, the ducks really don’t seem to bother anyone; unlike pigeons they shit primarily in water, so you’ll never wake up to find your car covered in duck guano. Plus, duck shit is valuable anyway. You can turn duck guano into shit-coins. And ducks don’t really take anyone’s jobs. All they do is hang out wat watering holes eating bread and shitting in the water
Donald Trump: I see, well, fuck the Duckland immigration issue for now. Do we have any plans to liberate the people of the Kingdom of Duckland from the Duckland Monarchy? I’ve read in the New York Times about the ducks’ rights abuses that have taken place in the Kingdom of Duckland. I’ve read that ducks in the Kingdom of Duckland are locked into cages and forced to eat bread, bird seeds, and mashed corn in a system of gavage to plump of their livers for sale. I’ve read that the ducks are also forced to shit in an elaborate system or latrines that collect the duck shit for export.
Adviser of Immigration Relations: I don’t understand what’s going on here. On the one hand we want to help the ducks of Duckland get out from the tyranny of the Duckland Monarchy. On the other hand we want to limit the entry of ducks, some of whom are undoubtedly refugees. We have to pick a side and be consistent with our application of laws. Either we want to help the ducks of Duckland, or we don’t.
Fragonard Benson: I agree with the adviser of immigration relations. I hate to change the subject but is there any chance that we could order an anchovy pizza. I really have this craving for fish and cheese and bread. By the way, I want all of you to know that I was born here in the United States and I have a birth certificate to prove it. I went to Duckland for a few years to attend clown school at the University of Duckland, and that is the extent of my relationship with Duckland.
Donald Trump: I want you to produce your birth certificate to me right now. I always thought that you were a Kenyan Muslim from Uganda. I want to make sure I have legit people on my team. If you are not legit, then you will have to quit your post as my primary pet duck.
Donald Trump pulls out a baggie filled with heroin; he puts a dash of heroin on a spoon, lights up, and injects his arm with the heroin. Donald Trump also has a heroin addiction that nobody knows about. He waits for Fragonard Benson to produce his birth certificate. Fragonard Benson reaches into his brief case and pulls out his birth certificate. It is old and tattered. An incandescent light bulb flashes over Donald Trump’s head. He has an idea. He will contact the Crown Prince of Alibabway and set up a threesome with the Queen of Duckland.
Donald Trump: I have an idea. I will contact the Crown Prince of Alibabway and have a threesome with the Queen of Duckland. Maybe it will be a foursome if we include the King of Duckland. So there you have it, me, the Crown Prince of Alibabway, the Queen of Duckland, and the King of Duckland, all together in one room getting freaky taking turns with the Queen of Duckland.
Fragonard Benson: I just want you to know beforehand that duck sex is basically sitting on a pile of duck eggs. It’s really not all that exciting to sit on a pile of eggs waiting for them to hatch.
Donald Trump: Well oh well then, I guess I’ll be sitting on a pile of eggs like the pimp that I am.
Donald Trump imagines himself sitting on a gigantic pile of eggs. He thinks that he will be the father of the next generation of Prince Ducks, some of whom will be in line for the throne. And once one of his duck children is on the throne, he will establish a parliament, with a house of commons and a house of lords. He will bring democracy to the Kingdom of Duckland by doing nothing more than sitting on a pile of eggs. Donald Trump wonders what his children would look like, being half duck, half man. They’ll have my eyes and nose for sure, and I hope they won’t have my hairline. They’ll have arms and hands and fingers instead of wings. They’ll be able to walk around and do things that humans do, they’ll be able to write poetry and drink shots of Grey Goose Vodka. Donald trump pours himself a double shot of Laphroaig. He dips his finger into the liquid, pulls it out, and sniffs its odor. This stuff is delicious, the peaty burn, the movements it makes on the tongue and around the mouth. It is exactly like having a French kiss. Donald trump lets out burpiccup after downing his double shot.
Donald Trump: Does anyone know where Laphroaig is made. I love this stuff. It’s like a kiss, almost, maybe, maybe not quite, but almost for sure.
Fragonard Benson: It’s made in Islay Scotland; it says so on the bottle.
Donald Trump: I would like to order a case of this stuff. How many bottles come in a case, six maybe, or twelve?
Adviser of Trade Relations: Twelve bottles come in each case. Getting back to the trade issues with the Kingdom of Duckland, I’d like to point out that Duckland produces a counterfeit version on Grey Goose that tastes almost as good as the original. If this were to get out on the open market we would see a swelling of our trade deficit that would reach absolutely unacceptable levels.
Donald Trump: Do you happen to have a sample of this counterfeit Grey Goose that we can test for ourselves. I’m super curious to find out how it tastes, being made by ducks and all. You know, I don’t always drink vodka, but when I do I prefer Stolichnaya.
Fragonard Benson: Vodka is ridiculous, it isn’t even aged, I don’t understand how anyone could drink that garbage, and it’s like nail polish remover.
Adviser of Trade Relations: I have a bottle of the counterfeit Grey Goose right here in my brief case.
The adviser of trade relations pulls out a bottle of counterfeit Grey Goose from his brief case and sets it on Donald Trump’s presidential desk. He opens the bottle and pours a shot into a glass and hands it to Donald Trump. Donald Trump throws back the shot and asks for another, so the adviser of trade relations pours him another shot. Donald Trump asks if he can have a cosmopolitan. Fragonard Benson gets up to make the cosmopolitan, he is the only one here who took mixology as an elective in college. This fact also adds to Fragonard’s qualifications as being the Shiznit. Fragonard takes the Grey Goose, a bottle of Cointreau, some lime juice, and some cranberry juice and mixes up a cosmopolitan for the commander-in-chief. Donald downs the cosmopolitan in one sip.
Donald Trump: That was amazing as fuck, a life changer almost; I don’t think that I ever want to drink authentic French Grey Goose ever again. Does anyone here think that we should put an embargo on French Grey Goose and only order the counterfeit version from Duckland? If so, raise your hand.
No one in the room raises their hand. Donald Trump is a little pissed that no one agrees with him. He thinks about how he is developing a new addiction to counterfeit Grey Goose that, along with his cocaine and heroin habit, can cause his presidency to end. There has to be a way that he can get this stuff legally, or at least kind of legally, or at least in a way that doesn’t get him in trouble with the trade authorities. Maybe he can fly over to Duckland on Air Force one and sneak several cases of the counterfeit Grey Goose onto the plane. It won’t hurt anyone. It’s just vodka for his personal use. Donald trump dismisses his advisers and has Fragonard Benson stay behind; he has some questions to ask his pet duck that he doesn’t want anyone else to eavesdrop on.
Donald Trump: Fragonard, I’m in need, I’m in need for more of the counterfeit Grey Goose, and I need a way to purchase it without anyone knowing that I am buying illegal substances. I can’t use my credit or debit cards for obvious reasons, and I don’t want to use paper money because even paper money has the potential for leaving a paper trail. How much do you know about using Bitcoins.
"Donald Trump Meets With His Advisers" by Kenneth Larot Yamat
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